Away is a way

昨天在看，有談很多國際志工這方面的事情，寒假想要去印度，還有我未完成的非洲夢，每當跟別人談起，除贊成之外就是面對許多的質疑-----你可以改變什麼？為什麼要跑那麼遠，台灣也有很多需要幫助的人？不顧自己的責任等等....
我的家人，並不支持我去當志工這件事，他們在辛苦的環境中長大，一生之中追求的是更好的生活，我應該要延續著這樣的追求，沒錯，因為父母親的努力，我得以在無憂無慮之中的環境之下成長；然而，我卻老是想往窮困落後的地方跑，他們不能理解，我們都在追求自己生命之中缺少的那一塊。

公益旅行v.s.海外志工
我承認，會有出國的念頭多多少少有一些想玩想旅行的成分在裡頭，一開始只是企圖賦予旅行不一樣的另一層意義，也或許是看了太多余秋雨的行腳，讓我對這個千千世界充滿嚮往，出國有很多不一樣的選擇，我不選巴黎、倫敦、紐約、東京，那些地方有它的迷人之處，但是遠不及想趁年輕時赴蠻荒探險的渴望，因為了解的少、遠離所謂的文明、挑戰自己的極限、思索人生的價值。
與其搭著巴士走馬看花一番，在當地實際的生活更能貼近這塊土地上的一切，我認為這是一種深度旅遊方式，志工，則是讓旅程更加育有意義，看見更多不一樣的需要面貌。
為什麼要走得那麼遠，除了旅行的因素之外，從一個普遍性的觀點來看，台灣的生活水準仍然是比較高的，張家三兄弟的故事一上報，各地的捐款馬上湧入這個需要幫助的家庭，你說還有千千萬萬個張家我無法否認，但是我依然樂觀，當我開始投入志工時，我發現在當志工的人比我想像的還要多好多。
可是在地球的另一端，戰爭、飢荒、疾病，那裡的人們過得是截然不同的生活，他們根本沒有能力顧及自己以外的事情，整個國家的窮困是我們無法想像的，人們無唯一仰賴的只有國際間的救助，今天我們有額外的能力走出去，應該是台灣人民的驕傲，在異地看見不一樣的需要，會讓人更思考服務的深層意義何在，台灣這一塊也是一直都有在做，我覺得兩者之間是不衝突而且可以互相成長的。

Difference
再兩年就要離開學校了，開始面對的是自己對人生的定位，開始去想我這一輩子的人生該怎麼過。在社會的價值觀之中，在實驗室裡面做研究比待在非洲的鄉下要有成就的多，但是對世界上大部分的人來說，這兩件事都不會對他們的生活造成直接的改變，所以重要的應該是-------個人對人生的期待。
我一直覺得學術界是一座象牙塔，永遠只有那一小團的人可以溝通，畢生鑽研那很小又很大的世界，我們的確是會是需要，但是那也是資本主義社會的需要，世界上還有人連飯都吃不飽為什要知道大腦中的一個neurotransmitter有幾個不同的receptor？的確，在實驗室裡面發明的新藥，也許可以治療疾病，但新藥往往也都是要賺錢的，在沒錢的地方，一切對不起。
在非洲的鄉下蓋小學，可以讓孩子上學，即使是一個十個也好，他們的命運也許從此就改變了，今天的世界仍然存在著極為不平等，資本主義國家掌握了大部分的資源、破壞了大部分的生態，卻無視於在地球的另一端因為飢餓而死亡的世界，看不見不代表不存在

你可以改變什麼？
的確，一個人的力量很難和大環境抗衡，很難說做了以後會改變什麼，但是如果不做，就真的永遠不會改變。
說要為社會進一份心力的確是太崇高的說法了，現階段的我可以做的事情真的很少，只能說是自私的實現自我，更悲觀的想，我們在各地來來去去，待個一陣子拍拍屁股就走了，留給當地人的是什麼？還是一樣的困境，說不定帶給他們更多的麻煩。
泰北的小孩子們，每年寒暑假好不容易認識了新的一批志工，又要面對即刻的別離，在感情上未嘗不是一種傷害，究竟這樣子的相遇，會在彼此心中留存多久呢？他們能夠明白我們貿然闖入生活的意義嗎？
什麼才是好的生活？
這是我在泰北一個很深的體會，我們總是投射自己的價值，企圖"改變"別人，可是從來沒有想過，我們所謂好的生活是不是別人所想要的，假設一群人住在雨林裡面自給自足，即使短壽、生病，但是至少他們是"快樂"的，泰北的生活是愜意的，他們不用競爭、工作輕鬆自在，為什麼非要把他們也拉進金錢掛帥庸碌一生的社會裡面？
人生最重要的不就是活的開心，當一個台灣人不一定會比泰國人開心，只有放開一切真正融入當地，很小心地不把自己的價值觀加諸於別人身上，才能體會到真正的需要。

從來沒有一刻如此強烈。
比起兩年前的渾沌未明，此刻心中是這樣的清澈，彷彿籠罩心海的烏雲漸漸散開，也許我還是沒有找到清楚的答案，可是這一趟旅程讓我清楚的知道原來我對自己出去的渴望這樣堅定，出國之前還是那樣的游移不定，質疑事物的代價，只想縮在台灣的保護之下，我還想看、還想學、還想體驗人生，二十幾歲的妳，沒有什麼好怕的。
我不知道畢業之後自己會在哪哩，但是我知道自己畢業之前還想做什麼，對人生的夢想可以讓一個人充滿力量，只剩兩年了，很多事不趁著年輕真的沒有機會了，如果做事之前總是思前想後最後只會裹足不前，我總是想得太多，顧慮太多。
二十歲之前的我，總是努力在完成別人的期望，社會的期待，也許看起來很光鮮亮麗，但是心裡面卻是空洞的，那些短暫的目標，短暫的成就，不足以支撐整個人生的重量，一個人的哭泣讓悲傷更悲傷，差一點，壓垮我自己；二十歲之後的我，終於才開始尋找心的方向，學著為自己而活，很難很難，但是我之知道，我可以，我要過我想要的人生，我不要過你們想要的人生。
二十歲的我終於可以開始尋找自己，只要開始就不會太晚，我這樣相信著。

Next day, noisy stupid birds woke me up...made me really want to kill them and cook to eat. Still chilly in the morning. I walked around the campsite excitedly. Other people's tent looked so professional, our's was...still could used though. I walked to the lake. It was sooooo beautiful!! The lake was like a mirror reflect the beautiful sky, like a postcard.
After having some breakfast, we decided to go canoing first. This is my first time canoing!!! We rent a canoe at Canoe Lake. It was made by aluminum, but i want a wood one. Like the description of Indian people in the novel. Our canoe was peddle by two people. The one peddle by one person is called Kayaks. I really wanted to try it, but better not in my first try.
The direction is difficult to control. It is peddled by two people so we have to work together, not by my own will. No matter what we're doing, cooperation is always hard. I wanna to go though the whole lake, but it was too tired to do so. After an hour i started to feel tired and my arms ached a little bit.
We went back to the camp site and had some food. It was beef hamburger for the lunch. But all the hamburgers are burnt.... I couldn't remember how much i ate for the lunch, but after eating i feel like there was a  basketball in my stomach.
In the afternoon we went hiking. I really like walking in forest. Every time it makes me think of Dad. Thanks for his hard training since i was a little child. After half an hour we walked up to a cliff. How could i say...so beautiful!! Looking down was wide coniferous forest. Not until now did i believe Canada was a beautiful country. Walking along the cliff, we just kept marveling and taking pictures.
The map said this trail took 3 hours. But after 3 hours we were not even finished half way of this trial. Maybe it because we took too much time in taking pictures. Now everyone felt so tired and walked so fast, not stopped for the beautiful scenery again. Four girls walking in the forest after sunset is not a funny thing.
When we were almost finished the trail. There was something big moved in the bush. It was a MOOSE!!!! I was so excited. Never expect to see a moose in such a short distance. It was not afraid of us, just stayed there let us to take pictures. (Unfortunately, i didn't catch a clear picture >"<)  I know it is very common to see a moose in Canada. Sometimes it walk on the road, and when a car crash into a moose, the moose is ok but the car would rollover. Can't believe that.....

This is my first time to go camping in my life!! People in here really like camping, they even book a camp site for the whole summer. Summer time is really treasure to them. Well, maybe this time was not a "real" camping because we have washroom and shower at the camping site, But never mind for my first try.
I went there with Gina, Alice, Wihtney, Jennifer n her husband Gary. They are all closed friend to Gina, i'm the one new to them. We lefe Toronto around 2 o'clolck in Friday afternoon. I took us alomost three hours drive to the park. On the half way to the park it even rained sooo heavily like someone poured the water from the sky...first time to see raining like this in Toronto.
Our camp site was at two river. After raining the weather became damn cold. I wore two jeckets but still not enough. Although we have six smart people, only Whitney really know and have experience of how to set up the tent. Expecially Gina bought a new king size tent that is not easy to figure out. The sky became darker and darker very soon.The worst thing was it started to rain again when we setting up the tent, it would wet inside the tent. I felt so bad that i can't help, Whitney showed really optmistic way in this kind of hard time.
Finally, we set up the tent. Everybody felt so tired and hungry and cold. How could my first day of camping being like this?? 
We grilled all the chicken Gina brought. Because the fire was hard to control, every peice of chicken was burnt, smoke made my eyes uncomfortable. Generally, i won't eat these kind of thing because of health, but this time i have no choice. How could i being such like Father......
The fire was warm. The cold air made me really didn't want to take a shower...but everyone did, so did i. When i took a shower the wind was keep blowing inside from the crack of the door. We have to use the flashlight during walking in the camp site. There must be many stars in the sky, but i just too tired to watch it.
It was hard to fall on asleep in the night. We only had a layer of carpet on the ground and a sleeping bag. I need a warm blacket >"< This part of camping is really unbearable.

7/28
It is not very intersting when I heard Jazz festival first time. I don't like jazz music that much, actaully, I think it is very noisy. But this weekend we have no where to go, so we went to the Jazz festival.
I've heard a friend said that Jazz festival held in Toronto every year. It was a really nice weather on that day. We took the subway to woodbine station then took a bus south to Queen St.E. Then we just walk down Queen street with the crowd. There are soooo many people there.
There are so many stores on the side of the road, also many street vendors. After walking for fifteen minites we finally heard the voice of the jazz music. The main stage is in a little park. There is a band singing and people just sitting or lying on the grass, very casully. There are families, friends, couples, expecially lot of old couples, holding each others hands. Until this time finaly made me feel like in a foreign contury, because there aren't many asin people here.
After listening for an hour we decided to go to the beach. I felt a little dizzy because the sound is still too loud to me. The beach is small...actually it is just beside the lake. They move sands for other place i guess.
Back to the street we saw a Tai food resturant sold cheap combos outside their store, so we decided to have some for dinner. It has Pad Thai, spring roll, and satay. I didn't have these kind of things when I was in Tailand this winter and I thought spring roll was kind of Chinese food. @@ No matter what it taste really goooood !!
There are many bands singing along the streets, like a small concert. One guitarist is really handsome~~and one violinist plays with his face became whole red. I was so impressed by their performance~~ IT IS JAZZ !!!
In sum, Jazz festival is really fantastic~~far beyond my expectation~~
The bad thing is that after seeing the festival....we couldn't find the movie theater on the newspaper.....spending almost two hours on finding the theatre.....so frustrated. : (
7/29
Another sunny day. I was still wondering to go to the beach volleyball or not in the morning, but finally i decided to give myself a try of this new things.
It was on woodbine beach park. Almost a hundred volleyball cout on the beach !!!
Although I don't like the meeting people that much.....I still very enjoyed the volleyball game !! Thaks for the hard training in high school that I can play it, but there is always a big problem if someon is really care about the rule and someone doesn't. Actually, i do sometimes pass the ball directly to the other side and it made some people unhappy. Besides that, beach volleyball is really a lot of fun, really want to play it again sometimes. I'm the one that think playing volleyball is just for fun. Life is not that strict.

Why I'm going to write this paragraph is just because the color of August TTC monthly pass is very beautiful XD~ at least much better than July......ˇˇ

交通運輸是一個城市的命脈，多倫多的地鐵叫做TTC (Totonto Transit comission)，有主要兩條線，一條是南北向U字型的Yong，另一條是東西向的Bloor，搞清楚東西南北之後就相當單簡單，憑良心講以多倫多的城市規模來說，只搭地鐵除了downtown是去不了甚麼地方的；公車基本上也還算方便，多倫多大概算是晚開發的城市規畫很整齊，所有的道路都是井字型，基本上只有走反方向不太會迷路的，公車也都走直線，不像台北的公車繞來繞去的讓外地人覺得很恐怖，還有我永遠都會迷路的永和。
不過這裡的地鐵收費相當可觀，單次搭乘要買token，一次買五個一個至少也要2.1加幣，只算次數不算距離的，雖然價錢是台北的兩倍但是距離已經好幾倍了，TTC monthly pass是99.99加幣，我在學校買可以便宜十幾塊，這個月內不限次數不限距離隨便搭，其他還有day pass, weekly pass等等。
老實說對多倫多地鐵的印象不是很好，除了第一次被形形色色的人種震撼到之外，它給我的感覺就是有點破爛.....好吧，不能拿四十幾歲的它跟不到二十歲的台北捷運來比較，可是台北捷運真的比這裡乾淨舒適很多，也不會在靠站時發出轟隆隆的聲音，而且我來這裡才一個月，就碰到兩三次地鐵shutt down....幾分鐘不一定.....台北搭了很久才碰到一次吧好像。
另外一個可以比較的城市就是Tokyo了，我相信東京地鐵應該沒有比多倫多年輕，但是便利性就不能比了，東京地鐵的複雜程度真是嚇死人，真的和居住人口的密度是成正比的，一個站是三四條線的交會是常有的事，不過它的感覺就比多倫多地鐵好很多....

六點鬧鐘響了，按掉。八點睜開眼睛，有點晚了，掙扎著要不要去學校。
九點，應該要坐在教室裡的時候，我在桌子前面邊打電腦邊吃早餐，又是奶油烤土司，像中餐的sandwich一樣，一個人在外生活，連吃膩的權利也沒有。
空空的冰箱，思鄉的情緒，背上空空的了準備要帶去三天兩夜的大背包，跳上subway到Fintch轉53號公車，一路搖搖擺擺到了大統華。
轉啊轉，面對著熟悉的事物，比逛Loblaws要開心的多，轉到蛋糕櫃前，吃慣了日式的精緻風格，這裡的看起來都不怎麼樣，還是爽快的買了一塊抹茶蛋糕，上面有一顆讓人心情很好的大草莓。
自己上超市買東西和跟媽媽去很不一樣，腦中不斷著規畫著該買甚麼不該買甚麼，勉強列出下禮拜的菜單，直到這次出國之前都是個只買自己愛吃東西的孩子。
最後我的背包裡塞了一瓶豆漿、一顆帶葉的鳳梨、和一桶冰淇淋，其他一些拉哩啦吧的東西加一加，真不是普通的重。
每個人都悠閒的走向車子，只有我任重道遠地走向遙遠地bus stop，途中還冒出一個怪喀稱讚我的old navy夾腳拖很好看...囧
回程比來時艱辛許多，滿滿的巴士上面沒有位置，一個東方女生提著大包小包驚險地對抗每一次的緊急剎車，我不想再去一次了。
下午本來要去湖邊走走，結果懶在家裡，吃吃睡睡，吃掉了那小小的一塊蛋糕。
我20歲生日的蛋糕。
早就在公車上翻了好幾圈了，真難為它形狀還在，滋味就是一般，夾雜了一個人在異鄉的惆悵。
並不認為在台灣會好過一點，也許在這裡我更可以視寂寞為理所當然，如此平常的一天，不知道該說甚麼做為結尾。
日子並不會因為從19歲跳到20歲而有所改變，遺憾的是我終於永遠揮別了1字頭的青春，2字頭是更多的責任，天啊.....好老的我。

It's midnight here in Toronto. 來這裡快要一個禮拜了，雖然是第一次自己一個人上飛機，除了下飛機有點緊張、第一次走進教室有點緊張，其他時間都還好，也沒有特別excited，我想我適應力還蠻強的，亦或者是心如止水習慣了。
You won't feel out of place here, because there are sooooo many Asian people. I was suprised when I first got on the metro, there was only half white people!! Not to metion in the Chinatown or Koreatown. Even you can't speak English you can still survive really well in here.
I took the placement test with a girl from China (see.....Chinese again). I'm at level 6. I think it is OK. There are Chinese, Koreans, and South Americans (The countries there are all same to me @@) in the class. The class is...just the way we do in Taiwan. The diffirence is we have to speak English. Well, that's why i came here. Paid for a really high pice.
The metro are only two main lines so I can't visit many place by myself...only downtown. It takes me 45min to go to school, form North York Centre to Dupund. I've visited the University of Toronto. Much bigger than NTU, both ancient and morden buildings...beautiful...that's all.
Yesterday I went to Toronto Island withe Angie, a girl from Korea. She is a...比我還女生的女生，高跟鞋、超濃妝、低胸XDD....我們約在Union車站，之後都是她帶路了，搭street car到"港口"，買了12$好貴的船票，也沒人驗票，上船之後又收了3$的小費，超不習慣這裡又是稅又是小費的，很快就到了island上面，結果只看到樹和在野餐的悠閒的歪果人，Angie不會騎腳踏車所以我們只能用走的，就是風大了一點不然我覺得很愜意，走一走不知道要幹嘛我們只好打電話求救。原來走錯方向了，島很大，感覺就像是一個很大的公園，人超多的，大部分是family帶食物來野餐這樣，有給小孩子玩的遊樂設施，還有小小的沙灘，Angie一直覺得很無聊，所以我們又搭ferry回downtown了，還好ferry是free的，我覺得很可惜，騎腳踏車把島繞一圈應該很不錯，唉....真是的....
到Dundas車站有個逛街的mall叫Eaton Centre，現在everywhere is on summer sale，逛一些衣服鞋子和化妝品，非常符合Angie的style，之後她帶我去Koreatown，在Christie station，為了形容那個石鍋飯我形容超久的，還是失敗XD不知是不是因為long weekend感覺Chinatown還是比較熱鬧，那家餐廳還真貴，都要7$以上，不過很多人排隊，吃烤肉和泡菜鍋，超享受的大餐耶~~好吃好吃學到泡菜叫做"kimchi"，除了不會騎腳踏車Angie還不錯，我們用破破的英文也聊了不少，她還是念數學系的，超酷！
摸了一天太累就沒去看煙火了，真是的，太陽居然那麼晚才下山，喔對，昨天是加拿大國慶日，well我也不懂他們的歷史，就這樣跟著放了三天假，也沒做甚麼.....我要出去玩啦！

前陣子天氣熱到不像話，以為炙熱的夏天已經無情地吞噬這個城市，讓人錯以為彷彿世界末日的來臨，卻又緊接著連續一個禮拜的滂沱大雨，將城市籠罩在一片白色的帷幕當中，打溼了行人們的衣衫，拖著濕掉的褲管，撐著沒有太大作用的雨傘冒雨趕路，擦肩而過的神色更加匆忙，浪漫的雨聲也聽到讓人心煩，好處是氣溫轉涼了，唉~老天爺呀！只有豔陽和大雨兩種選擇嗎？
看天吃飯。梅雨不來，青菜成熟的早沒有好價錢，兩顆高麗菜十元，乾脆連採收的成本都省了，任其回歸大地；梅雨一來又做大水，青菜水果還是爛了一地，價格飆漲。農夫的無奈寫在臉上，消費者的無奈也寫在臉上。我們大家都是看天吃飯。
心之俳句：下雨天，翹課天，翹課不，翹。（我有加標點符號)
這是個爛理由，不過還是被我行之多日(默)。
最近上課很好玩，大家都穿著各式各樣的拖鞋涼鞋，也不管正不正式了，反正名牌地攤通通濕，連藍白拖都出現了，經典呀！噢~這是學生的幸福吧！要上班洽公的人可沒有這種幸福了，穿著溼漉漉的布鞋一整天真是一場噩夢，任由與水打濕夾腳拖，腳步也變的輕盈，讓人想起孩提時代下雨後在庭院踢著小水漥嬉戲的回憶，比賽誰可以將水花踢得最遠，那是一個遙遠的夏日的午後。
我想淋一場雨，想任雨水浸溼每一吋肌膚，貼近地去感受溫度，想讓淚水滑落，和雨水一同滴落。
想，也終究只是個想。好多事情都是這樣。
沉重的軀殼跟不上思緒飛馳的速度，懶惰的個性不適合遠大的夢想。腦袋瓜中總是裝了許多思緒，無奈行動力卻相當薄弱，常常我真的希望它的構造可以簡單一些，讓我可以不要被自己的思緒煩死，一件事情總是可以被我變出ABCD...的選項，唉~是自找的。人類為什麼愛把自己搞的那麼複雜？
小學的習題1+1=2多麼可愛，你說很笨，可是長大了之後，一個人碰到另外一個人不見得會變成兩個走在一起的人，一個人加一個人還是一個人，這條路，終究是一個人走，原來習慣也可以讓人釋懷。
雨天裡，兩個人共撐一把傘，特別寂寞。